Lessons To Be Learned
by Sailor Moonac
Summary: After the fiasco in Crowley's monster prison, Dean feels it is imperative to educate Castiel on the proper etiquette of distinguishing porn from reality.  Spoilers for 6x10.  Crack! and slash, Dean/Castiel


**Author's Note:** Supernatural one-shot again (curse you, I'm supposed to be studying!). This is sort of a coda to episode 10, "Caged Heat" so spoilers for that episode. But it's crack, and not supposed to be really taken seriously. Dean/Castiel and mentions Castiel/(character from episode 10, in case some of you haven't seen it).

* * *

Lessons To Be Learned

By: Sailor Moonac

Dean supposed he should be worried about Sam and go search for him, but Crowley and Castiel agreeing on the state of Sam's soul has made him slightly reticent. Instead of a soulless, cold Sam, what if returning Sam's soul does turn him into...well something like Raphael's vessel. That drooling, unresponsive, shell of a human being...what if Dean can't find a way to fix his Sammy? Dean shook his head vigorously. That's something he'll worry about when he crosses that bridge, but right now, there's something a little more pressing to be concerned about...

Dean gave a weak chuckle, watching the pizza man slap the babysitter's rear, and snorted into his beer when he thought of Castiel, the Angel of the Lord, _his_ saviour, watching this shit. Yes, Dean admits he watches this shit, but it's one thing when it's Dean and his lying, cheating, stealing, womanising arse versus Castiel and his virginal, fierce, powerful, _angel_ arse. Who got kissed by Meg and _kissed Meg back_. Fiercely. With wall slamming and all. Dean can't help but be proud his angel is finally getting some action—but it's _Meg_! A demon, who possessed Sam, who made Sam _kill_, who killed Ellen and Jo, who is also a _demon_!

Slamming down his beer down on the motel night stand, Dean stood up and lowered the volume of the porn. Vaguely, Dean could recall Sam years ago telling Dean he was confusing porn with reality—which he was not by the way—but Castiel...Castiel was clearly confusing porn with reality. Which is something Dean needs to correct right now. Standing up, Dean closed his eyes and started pacing in a small circle next to the bed.

"So, I pray to Castiel to get down here, and yes, I know you're busy fighting a war. But get down here Cas, it's important...please?"

The familiar sound of wings flapping announced Castiel's presence, who wasted no time and asked, "What is wrong Dean?" Castiel surveyed the room quickly, his eyes briefly pausing on the same porno he was watching before with the pizza man and the babysitter, before returning his attention to Dean. "And where's Sam?"

Dean felt a twinge of worry inside him for Sam but shook his head. "Sam's out, but you and I need to talk." Stepping around the bed, Dean stepped in front of Castiel and pressed down on his shoulder, pushing the angel down to take a seat on the bed in front of the porno. "Cas, you're my friend, so there are some misconceptions you and I need to clarify."

Castiel blinked up at Dean owlishly before looking past Dean to the porno. "I thought I'm not supposed to talk about it."

Dean took a seat on the bed next to Castiel, mildly rolling his eyes. "Yes, you're not. But there are some differences between porn and reality that you need to realise. First," started Dean, pointing to the porno of the pizza man well...ravishing the babysitter. "That is porn. That doesn't really happen in real life—I mean, yeah it probably has at one point or another, but generally no."

Castiel returned his attention to Dean, sitting beside him. "I see—"

"Yes! Which means, when someone kisses you—unless you and that person are uhh...together—you don't—you don't do what you did with Meg!"

Castiel blinked and tilted his head in his familiar, yet not very often seen anymore, way of showing confusion. "You are referring to when I kissed Meg—"

"Yeah, I still need brain bleach to get that out of my head," muttered Dean, holding his hand out defensively towards Castiel and his other hand pressed to his eyes. Dean sighed heavily. "Yes I'm referring to Meg. Meg was using a technique women like to call distraction-by-kiss or something stupid like that. That does not mean you kiss her back, none the less by slamming her into the wall like in the freaking porno!"

Castiel nodded solemnly. "And what am I to do instead?"

Dean rubbed the back of his head with his hand, a blush starting to form on his cheeks. "Okay, if you are at a bar hitting on a woman and if she kisses you, then yeah, you can go wall-on-girl action—"

"So how is that different from when Meg—"

"Because it's Meg! Cas! You called her an abomination when you saw her!"

Castiel frowned and leaned down, propping his elbows on his knees and folded his hand in a familiar pose of contemplation. "I see, so I am not supposed to take a woman and slam her into the wall to kiss her if she kisses me—"

"Yeah, you could, but just not Meg—"

"But she is a woman—"

"Demon Cas! I was going to gank her if she didn't high tail it out of there so fast. Wait, were you?"

Castiel turned his head to meet Dean's eyes. "Yes, I would have killed her had she not fled."

"Then why the _hell_ would you kiss her like _that?_"

Castiel shrugged. "I thought that was the natural, proper response." Castiel's gaze returned to the porno...where the pizza man had the babysitter pinned to the wall...doing something else other than kissing against the wall.

"Okay Cas," said Dean as he fell back against the bed to grab the remote by the headboard. Sitting back up, Dean pointed the remote towards the television and turned it off. "Porn is not relevant to reality, so no more porn for you—god I can't believe I said that." Dean stood up and stepped in front of Castiel, who looked upwards to meet Dean's eyes.

"Okay, remember everything I told you the night we were first going to fight Raphael?"

Castiel's frown deepened as he answered quietly, "Yes."

Dean nodded. "Well good. Now forget everything I told you that night."

Castiel's frown changed into a look of confusion.

Dean continued, nodding to himself and pacing in a small circle in front of Castiel. "So, porn is not a good comparison for any romance, and—" Dean cast a glance at the turned off television set. "—not a good reference for your first time having sex—and trust me, I know. And pornos back when I was a teenager wasn't so...exotic as it is now.

"So Cas, first things first. When a woman kisses you, especially _Meg_—or a demon. You smite her, you smite her arse as fast as you smote Crowley—good job by the way buddy. You _do not_, I repeat, _do not_ slam her against the wall and ravish her mouth looking extremely hot—ho-o-ard attention to it! Yeah—don't look so into it! If it's a human woman, say...Miss Daddy-ran-away-from-the-post-office-because-he-hated-his-job, then you just...politely step back and excuse yourself—and don't read her mind!"

"I am," interrupted Castiel. "Not to kiss any women in other words—"

"What! No, no, no! I mean...you're not supposed to kiss a woman that just comes onto you! And no wall slamming! And no fucking tongue hockey! I mean, that generally leads to sex, and you don't deserve to have your first time with a hooker or a demon. I mean it's bad enough that your first kiss—was that your first kiss?" Castiel nodded. "Damn! Well it's bad enough your first kiss is with a demon, but you definitely should not have your first time having sex be with a demon or prostitute."

"What if Raphael is about to kill me again?"

Dean stopped pacing and turned to meet Castiel's gaze. Dean held Castiel's gaze for a few moments before he felt his blush start to reform on his face. Dean turned away to pace again. "No. Still no. Hey, God may be a dead-beat dad, but he's resurrected you twice already—he'll resurrect you again."

Castiel bowed his head. "I'm not so sure about that Dean..." answered Castiel softly.

Dean stopped and pressed his hand to Castiel's shoulder. "He'll resurrect you." Castiel looked up to meet Dean's eyes again. Dean gave Castiel a small, fond, indulgent smile. "He'll resurrect you. Hell, I think he likes you better than most angels."

"I would like to think he is rooting for me..." Castiel and Dean felt into an amicable silence with Dean standing over Castiel with a hand pressed against Castiel's shoulder. After a few minutes, Castiel broke the silence. "So, when a woman kisses me, I'm suppose to politely step away and excuse myself?"

"Yeah, I mean unless you two are looking to start a relationship, because you deserve better than a one-night stand Cas." Dean removed his hand from Castiel's shoulder and sheepishly wondered when he became such a sap—it must be all that time he was domesticated with Lisa.

"I see...but what if a man kisses me?"

Dean choked on his breath as Castiel looked up to Dean with curiosity in his eyes. "Say what?"

"What if a man kisses me? Am I not supposed to do what I learned from the pizza man?" Castiel stood up into Dean's personal space. "For instance, Dean." Dean felt a shiver run up and down his spine at Castiel's low growling of his name. "What would you do if a man suddenly comes up to you and kisses you?"

"I'd punch him?"

Castiel nodded earnestly. "I see."

Dean held Castiel's gaze steady for a few moments, breathing loudly between their two bodies that was separated by a mere few inches. "Oh fuck it." Dean closed the distance between their bodies and grabbed Castiel's head, pulling him forward to meet Dean's lips and kissed Castiel good and proper.

Castiel pulled Dean close to his body and demonstrated to Dean exactly what he learned from the pizza man, debauching Dean's mouth righteously. Dean reciprocated fiercely, finally fighting to pull his mouth away when the need to breath became evident when he became light headed. Castiel held onto Dean as Dean gasped in air over Castiel's lips, his hands still tangled in Castiel's trench coat and hair. Finally after 30 seconds of gasping heavily, Dean chuckled weakly and muttered, "This is where you're supposed to slam me into the wall and fucking kiss me some more—"

Dean felt himself disappear for a moment, the familiar pull of being flown through time and space tugging on Dean's sense of direction. In the next moment, Dean's back collided into a wall with Castiel's hand cradling his head as Castiel moved in to kiss Dean again. Dean pulled Castiel closer and reciprocated fervently, vaguely noticing he was all the way across the room by the bathroom door now. Suddenly, Dean remembered another scene in Casa Erotica that involved the shower wall...

Dean broke off the kiss again, gasping for breath. "Okay you know what Cas? You don't have to worry about dying a virgin fighting Raphael anymore..." And with that, Dean pulled Castiel through the bathroom door and kicked it shut, the sound of a shower starting within a few moments.

* * *

Bobby angrily hung up his phone again after dialling both Sam and Dean's mobile for the umpteenth time. "Damn idjits..." Bobby moved over to his ageing computer and turned it on, hoping to use the GPS of their phones to get a better idea of where those idiot brothers had gotten off to this time. While waiting for his slow computer to load, Bobby dialled Dean's phone again in hopes of getting an answer. After the seventh ring, Bobby was about to hang up when he heard the phone being answered.

"'ello?"

"Dean?" Bobby blinked, pressing the phone to his ear as he heard some whispering in the background of the phone. "Are you sleeping?"

"Sorta. What's wrong Bobby?"

Bobby rolled his eyes and muttered "idjit" quietly to himself. "Well nothing's wrong. I just wanted to check up on you boys and see how that assault against Crowley's prison went. You guys barely left any details on my voice message."

"Mnn...yeah. Crowley can't get Sam's soul back—fucker was lying from the beginning, no surprise there. Cas roasted his arse though."

"Cas did?" Dean groaned into the phone. Bobby pulled the phone away from his ear and looked at it in bewilderment. "Dean?"

"Yeah," gasped Dean into the phone. "Cas somehow found his bones and got Crowley to tell him if he could get Sam's soul back or not from the Cage. When Crowley said he couldn't, Cas just set the bastard's bones on fire. It was—ah—awesome!"

Bobby pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose. "Well it's a shame I missed that. Tell Cas I said good job the next time you see that angel."

"You're welcome," answered a familiar low growl into the phone.

There was some very quick math done in Bobby's head with the final piece of the equation being the sound of the mattress squeaking, rhythmically. "Oh _God_ no, I did _not _need to hear that!"

"Bye—ah—Bobby!" The phone in Bobby's hand went dead and Bobby threw it down next to his mouse in annoyance, a headache beginning to make itself known. Standing, Bobby headed to the kitchen to grab some kind of hard liquor to help him forget what he just heard on the phone.

Bobby grabbed a bottle of Craig scotch from his cabinet and poured himself a glass. Raising his glass into the air, Bobby muttered, "Here's to you Crowley, your favourite damn scotch," before drinking down the shot. Pouring another shot, Bobby raised his glass again and muttered, "And here's to you Dean, for finally nailing that damn angel of yours."

* * *

And here is another spontaneous one-shot crack. I'm going to miss Crowley, I loved that demon (not just because it's Mark Sheppard). But you know what, we never did find out what Crowley's demon eye colour was! Was he a black-eyed demon or a red-eyed demon like the other crossroads demons or what? But that of course leads me to wonder what's going to happen now with the whole alpha storyline. I guess we'll see.

I'm not sure how I feel about Cas and Meg's kiss. I, as this crack one-shot illustrates, still ship Dean and Cas. But my thoughts about that scene was, Meg kissing Cas makes sense. But Cas kissing Meg doesn't make any sense, unless it was to 1) make Dean jealous (of course that was my inner fan-girl talking) or 2) Cas thought that was the norm from what he learned watching the pizza man in the porno. Because otherwise, calling Meg an abomination a few hours before and then snogging her in Hell's prison is too OOC for Castiel. Which was why I wrote this crack one-shot. I don't ship Cas and Meg, but damn, do those two look hot snogging. Literally, the first thing I did when I saw that was yell, damn you lucky bitch! Of course it could just be the fact it's Castiel/Misha.

And yay to Dean being appreciative of Cas! But nay to Sam saying he's going to kill Cas! But Cas's answer of "_Boy_", loved it.

Anyway back to studying. Med school waits for no one.

-Sailor Moonac


End file.
